Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bigotry in the Master Bathroom…

It all started so innocently. I'd been able to avoid the evil of the razor for two weeks and had a nice natural beard going. I decided I was going "clean myself up" for Sunday, but figured it a waste to rashly de-hair my face. I decided to try something I'd never considered before. So I did. No sooner had I emerged from the bathroom than I came face to face with a stark, shocking reality… My wife is a Mustache Bigot.

I've rarely seen such disgust etched on my lovely wife's face (who, by the way, would look amazing in any style, dress, hairstyle, etc.). At least not when directed at me. And to my face. I rallied myself. Surely this is a simple misunderstanding. Surely I can explain what it is that she was glaring at, and once I explain this new and wonderful thing to her she'd understand, and even embrace my new look. No. No amount logic and explanation could dispel the horror she was now harboring towards my facial hair.

So I took my case to the kids. And to my growing dismay, they TOO showed themselves to be mustache bigots! Obviously, I had failed to properly educate my family in this delicate matter of tolerance and diversity. And so, with a heavy heart, I returned to the bathroom and after a few more strokes returned to the good graces of my entire family.

But I was not able to shake the sorrow from my soul. The next day in church, I pondered the cause and history of such bigotry. I began by making a simple list of mustachioed men who in my opinion should give cause to honor a hairy upper lip.

Mark Twain
G.K. Chesterton
The Edge
Dr. Watson
Tom Selleck (and Higgins)
Teddy Roosevelt
Sean Connery
John Cleese
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Charlie Chapman
Groucho Marx
Bill B.
Ned Flanders
Stevie Wonder
Morgan Freeman
Uncle Pennybags
Sammy Davis, Jr.
The Godfather (from a guy's perspective)
Chuck Norris
Richard Pryor
Johnny Depp (OK, a "goatee" here, but still...)
Yosemite Sam
David Crosby
Doc Holiday
Alex Trebek (he'll always have a mustache in my memory)
Sam Elliot
Cary Elwes
Kris Kristopherson
Don Francisco
Clark Gable
Carl Weathers
Wade Boggs
Hulk Hogan
Shipwreck/Bazooka/Sgt. Slaughter/Footloose/Gung Ho/Mutt
Brandon Flowers, lead singer of the Killers
Eric Clapton

I then proceeded to create a list of men that could have caused the abhorrence that I was briefly apart to.



Dali (no dictator, but strange…)

Saddam Hussein

The Godfather (from a girl's perspective)

Burt Reynolds

Craven the Hunter

Uncle Rico

"Ravishing" Rick Rude


Ron Jeremy

Dr. Mindbender

Freddy Mercury (and this one's a toss up)

On the "Positive" side we have Presidents and Prime Ministers; geniuses; iconic authors, actors, musicians, and artists; Nobel Prize winners; beloved cartoon characters; and the entire spectrum of manliness (Sean Connery to Chuck Norris).

On the "Negative" side we have a few dictators; a pseudo-journalist; a crazed psychologist; and a porn star (OK, THE porn star). Even after I double spaced the "Negatives" list, the "Positives" clearly win out!

And so I ask you, is it right to let a few bigoted men (and poor actors) ruin what is so obviously a wonderful and beautiful thing? Should we also let Hitler bias us against German beer? Or Stalin Italian food? Or Geraldo news reporting? I think not! Rise up enlightened ones! Rise up and challenge the biases that are holding good people hostage to limited facial hair options! Rise up and tear down the images of "dirty old men" and raise up the banner of respectability and honor! For without evidence, we have been duped into a belief that shouldn't exist. Resist and we shall overcome!

Humbly Yours,


Blogger megs said...

I was hoping there would be a picture of you! So Funny! Here's the thing with mustaches. They seem terribly outdated. Looking through your examples, I don't think I saw one recent picture. Now you could try and be a trendsetter and bring the mustache back, but I think some things are better left in the past!

9:07 AM  
Blogger Nick Steffen said...


When was the pic of Johnny Depp? Surely that man is not exampled of some deep, dark, lost past, buried too far in the recesses of our memory to even accept as a viable member of society.

And if you're looking for support, I happen to think that your mustache looks quite distinguished (let's not forget that not all mustaches are created equal).

9:41 AM  
Blogger Closer to knowing... said...

So what you're saying, megs, is that old things, things that are "dated", are of no value? Like grandparents? Old wine and scotch? The Bible?! Are you suggesting that we throw out the Bible!? I don't know what to say...

10:34 AM  
Blogger megs said...

First of all - the picture of Johnny Depp has to be an old one - look at the glasses.

And Jaret, if you want to look like Magnum PI or some other icon of the 80s, be my guest, just don't accuse me of bigotry against "old things". Bigotry against mustaches is one thing (a trend of the past), but "old things" in general - you stoop too low!

8:51 AM  
Blogger megs said...

One more thought - I think Johnny Depp is one of the only people who could pull of a mustache and still look somewhat cool - the gotee helps.

9:04 AM  
Blogger leisle deisle said...

um, brandon flowers can definitely sport a mustache as well, but unfortunately no picture was supplied of him. jaret, you should try one of these variations on for size

now i realize this is a link to a tlc talk show, but try to endure.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Jami said...

I love you Jaret! :)

I too was hoping to see your picture...and the oh my you - great! :)

I'm with you all the way Shar baby! :)

4:19 PM  
Blogger Rebekah said...

I will agree that some of those guys deffinitely knew how to wear the mustache with some class (i.e. sean connery) BUT like nick said, not all mustaches are created equal. I personally think, facial hair looks better on guys who have little hair on top...kind of evens things out a bit.
fun discussion...and great reminded me of some of my music profs from college.

your strong feelings must be felt by many men...hey, a whole bunch of people split a church over it...funny that they are now the ones that don't like them. ha ha

10:26 PM  

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